Our son Drew who is 21, was five when Jake died. His grief/play counselor told me that at every stage of life he would grieve Jake’s death again. As he grew and matured, he would grieve Jake’s death in a different way. She said that each stage of life his griefwould magnify as his understanding of death increased. I wish she had given me the same warning.
My 40’s have introduced a new maturity (ha) and a maturing grief. In this new era of my life and the required rest the Lord ordained, I feel everything more deeply and freely.
I find myself caught between two worlds of choices. We all are entangled in these choices,
Do I choose my small microcosm or His way for me? .
What does He hold for me?
I can spend my days thinking about what city Jake would have chosen to spend his freshman year at college – would he have yelled “Roll Tide”, stayed close to home, or followed his older brother?
Or I can choose to see with eternal eyes choosing not to focus on what if or what could have been. How often do we live here in our tiny world when God wants to bust wide open to His macrocosm?
Each new day provides a million different choices.
Our choices define who we are and who we will become.
When I choose to be arrested by thoughts of what should have been, I am tossed into the deep end of the pool swirling in bitterness, handcuffed to the bottom. I, like amagician with an audience, search for the way out.
Bitterness is tiny thoughts of injustice added and compounded over time resulting in anger and resentment.
Anger is fuel for me and very addicting. I am productive, accomplished and a “get it done” girl in my anger. Fury fuels results but the results are the death of who I ambecause I am hiding, not healing.
I am comfortable in my accomplishments but I have a choice to make with each siege of my emotions. Am I seeing physically or eternally? The decision never gets easier and can actually be more difficult. When I allow the sweet morsel of anger to simmer, it is harder for me to see the eternal.
So my prayer for you and for me is simple and powerful.
“God, I believe. Help my unbelief.”