Maturing Grief

jake2

Our son Drew who is 21, was five when Jake died. His grief/play counselor told me that at every stage of life he would grieve Jake’s death again. As he grew and matured, he would grieve Jake’s death in a different way. She said that each stage of life his griefwould magnify as his understanding of death increased. I wish she had given me the same warning. 

My 40’s have introduced a new maturity (ha) and a maturing grief. In this new era of my life and the required rest the Lord ordained, I feel everything more deeply and freely. 

I find myself caught between two worlds of choices. We all are entangled in these choices,

Do I choose my small microcosm or His way for me.

What does He hold for me?

I can spend my days thinking about what city Jake would have chosen to spend his freshman year at college – would he have yelled “Roll Tide, stayed close to home, or followed his older brother? 

Or I can choose to see with eternal eyes choosing not to focus on what if or what could have been. How often do we live here in our tiny world when God wants to bust wide open to His macrocosm?

Each new day provides a million different choices. 

Our choices define who we are and who we will become. 

When I choose to be arrested by thoughts of what should have been, I am tossed into the deep end of the pool swirling in bitterness, handcuffed to the bottom. I, like amagician with an audience, search for the way out. 

Bitterness is tiny thoughts of injustice added and compounded over time resulting in anger and resentment. 

Anger is fuel for me and very addicting. I am productive, accomplished and a “get it done” girl in my anger. Fury fuels results but the results are the death of who I ambecause I am hiding, not healing.

I am comfortable in my accomplishments but I have a choice to make with each siege of my emotions. Am I seeing physically or eternally? The decision never gets easier and can actually be more difficult. When I allow the sweet morsel of anger to simmer, it is harder for me to see the eternal.

So my prayer for you and for me is simple and powerful.

God, I believe. Help my unbelief.” 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Maturing Grief

  1. Such a beautiful expression of the depths of grief in your experience of loss. Kasey, you are an amazing woman who has much to e press that can help others heal as the Great Physician is in process of healing your heart too!

  2. You’ve written your expression of faith and love very well. Its always best to be honest. You will encourage other women who struggle as you do. I have no advice except this. Talk often about your baby…as I do of my Drew. Two years ago, he passed at 18 years. Living his dream….just keep talking about him. And writing. Or whatever feels good to you. Perhaps the anger is the hurt we feel. I let myself cry whenever I feel like it and sometimes unexpectedly. We will never stop grieving our child, and the pain will remain. You don’t walk alone.

    1. Yes, such wise words. Thank you. I am so sorry for your heartbreak too – it is a club no one wants to belong yet we are in it. My oldest son is named Drew. Praying for you right now

  3. Thank you for sharing. The timing is perfect as Zach’s birthday month is always so hard for me. I never knew how feelings and thoughts could change as we get older, but man can I relate. I still remember every August 29th as the worst day of my life, the day I delevered my baby and they ripped him away never for me to see him. When the adoption first happened, I thought it was wonderful. As I get older, it just hurts more. However, I have to trust the Lord knows best and keep my eyes on Him and not the “could have beens” in my life when it comes to Zach. I choose to Believe God, thanks so much Kasey!

    1. Oh girl – I think about you so much! It is so good to hear from you. I will be praying for you! I can understand so much the deepening grief – it is like the older we get the more we understand the depths of what was lost. LOVE YOU friend.

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