My life verse is Matthew 10:27, “What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.” I have lived through many dark days (haven’t we all) and He has spoken to me in these times and I feel a responsibility to share it. However, when people ask me about my blog I cringe because of the realization that people read this. But God has given me a specific calling to share my life with others. I long for us to learn together and to understand who He is in the midst of all the brokenness. Today, that means admitting to my current struggle. Obviously, I enjoy sharing past victories more; the spiritual ground has been fertilized and the growth is evident.
Yet I currently I sit on my patio and cry my eyes out. Actually now I am in my bed in my PJ’s with eyes so swollen I can’t binge watch Netflix, so I resort to eating Ashley’s frozen cookie dough. (My friend Ashley bakes the most delicious browned-butter cookie dough and I am sure the cookies are good too; I wouldn’t know. I just eat the dough when needed. She loves me by keeping dough in the freezer.) Yes, it is 3:21 in the afternoon and this is a safe place for me. Please don’t feel sorry for me – I would hate that more than anything – I am just having a pity party and I have homemade cookie dough. I want to feel all the emotions, eat all the foods and beg for confirmation that I am going to be okay even if only temporarily from a sugar high. Some days we just need to be a mess. Today is my day to blow off work, be home and get it out.
If you are new to my blog, I am not usually a drama queen and hate to feel such raw neediness. I prefer words to describe me as stoic, controlled, and unwavering and certainly not needy, broken, and helpless. I want to put on a brave face but things are shifting so fast in my life that I feel like I am on my elementary school playground trying to jump on the merry-go-round but it keeps spinning past me and I can’t make the jump. I am out of breath. Late August and early September are always tender times for me with anniversaries and birthdays of my babies. I have a son who will turn 21 in a week. Our son Jake went to be with Jesus in August and his birthday is soon. Our youngest son I now have to look up to. And it feels like every time I turn around something new is changing or developing. I look around me and there is hurt and devastation all over the world. I can’t even turn on the news right now. It just feels too much to even process all the grief. I sense the earth groaning and my heart is yearning in sync for His return. (Romans 8)
I came home to take a breather, to shout (scream) out to Him. Eventually I tap out like a boxer who goes ten rounds and has to be dragged back to his corner. He whispers in my ear, “ I was wondering how many rounds until your surrender, how bloodied before you acquiesce?”
We have been here before, He and I, fighting it out in the corner of the ring, He wants me to listen. I know I should listen but the more things spiral out of control the more my flesh tightens the grip hoping to maintain some semblance of order. I go into “fight” mode (I am not really the “flight” type of girl). It’s a lie I allow myself to believe that the harder I press the better it will be.
He wants me to stop wailing and throw it all at His feet and trust Him.
He gave me these verses this morning.
“ The Lord looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man; from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds. The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue. Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him for those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine.” Psalm 33:16-19
He was preparing me with His Word to let me know that:
- He Sees (sitting up on His Big Ole Throne in Heaven)
- Fighting Won’t Save Me
- Delivery Comes through His Strength
- Only He Can Rescue
- His Eye is On Me
- Hope Comes Through His Steadfast Love
I wonder who else needs to raise the white flag of surrender?
Would you raise your swollen eyes toward Him alongside me?