Did you think I went on strike from blogging? I thought about it. Every thing was up for grabs last week as to what I wanted to just quit participating in. I kept at it and God was faithful in spite of my faithlessness. I have learned so much about God’s goodness in my faults and doubts. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I still think that if I am good then He is good. I can’t shake the feeling deep down that my obedience leads to his favor. Now, don’t get me wrong, God wants our obedience and our holiness, that is not in question here. What I was relieved of this week was his favor on me in my fear, doubt, anger, and silence. I am amazed once again that He loves me the way He does – when I am most unlovable. Many love us when we have our game face on and ready to tackle the world but HE loves us even when we are pretending like we know what we are doing.
As if He didn’t already know, this week I let it out and finally told him I was a bit mad at him over some situations that had happened over the last few weeks. It felt good to say the words. Then to repent of the anger towards God who has only our best interest and His glory in mind and not my comfortable way of living. He showed me in situation after situation how his glory and his name were being revealed to many through the exact situations I was fussing about the week before.
Then mothers day hit and I have mixed emotions about motherhood. You see, there is this one kid that I can’t mother and it will always break my heart. I had the privilege to mother him till he was almost two years old and then he went to heaven. I am left here with two boys to mother and it isn’t quite right. Then a year ago we moved into this neighborhood that needed some mothering. Some days I have more people needing mothering than I have mothering to give.
This morning, a little before eight, I got a text from a neighbor kid named Z
Z :”hey mom, y’all awake?”
Me, just drinking my first cup of coffee: ” I am up but the rest of the house is sound asleep.”
Z: “Can I come over?”
Me: “I have already left the door open for you. Come in and make yourself at home.”
Z: “Thanks, I am hungry!”
So, a holiday I was a little anxious to endure started out just perfectly – mothering others. I am learning this: God doesn’t always allow things to work out the way we want and often death and sin enter and destroy our lives but GOD does not leave us there in the middle of the sorrow. He picks us up and allows those very things to be agents of change in our own lives. I dreaded today because there was this one kid who I couldn’t mother today but as I looked around me I saw many who needed my mothering. In grief or in life, we can get stuck focused on our hurt or our lives and not look around and see those who need us. Take time today to look around you and see who needs your influence in their lives. And more than that, take time to look farther out and see a world around us who need us to get up and go. We have a message they need to hear. (Did you like how I took a total different topic yet tied it into missions. I am good like that – or desperate!)