A friend of mine gives a warning on her blog when she is writing about grief and how she is processes it. I am going to be kind and give you the same warning. Consider yourself warned.
Yesterday was a rough day. ROUGH. It started out with a root canal and went downhill from there. It is a bad day when a root canal is the highlight of the day. I was standing at my sink washing dishes and Jackson ran in and said the neighbor was hit by a car. (HE IS OK, he is home with his mom right now with only bumps and bruises) I ran out after Jackson, crossing the street to the neighbor’s front yard to find a sweet mom in the grass holding her baby boy. He was crying but thankfully, coherent. He looked scraped and bruised but otherwise okay. I moved into action mode, called 911, got the witnesses, talked to the police, and took care of the older boys.
Once all the chaos settled down and all the boys were taken care of, I calmly walked back to my room and locked my door. I was shaking all over and trying to catch my breath, as I was assaulted with memories. Doubt and fear ravished the outer layer of my heart, moving quickly toward full-blown panic. I ran a bath, allowing the warm water to calm the outside but the water did nothing for the questions clamoring to be answered. “Why?” rang out so loudly in my head I couldn’t fight it. It begged to be asked, again and again, Why? Why? Why? Why did Jake have to die?
I don’t know why. He didn’t answer my questions, He listened to them and eventually settled my heart. I was thankful for my memory verse, reminding me that I needed him to fill my heart with His peace and not allow it to be filled with doubt. Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
He did just that, He didn’t answer my questions but filled me with Him.
He was enough. Doubt and fear receded.
“To manage a life of pain, as a believer in Jesus, remember: This is all the hell you will ever bear.” (M’Cheyne)