I almost feel I need to give this post a disclaimer. This is not an encouraging or happy post. It is not full of pictures or stories to pull your heart strings. Today is a day of struggle. Pure and honest.
Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I thought that if I loved God fully and devoted my life to Him – it would get easier.
It hasn’t. I feel like my heart has been broken in a million pieces over and over again. Much of it my own doing, some of it just part of this life. Some of it is Jesus promise that when we follow after him, we will have trouble. But what? “Be of good cheer He has overcome the world.” I know all these things in my head today – I could recite you verse after verse of the hope and promise we have for heaven and the joy we will one day experience but today my heart is ruling my head.
And my heart hurts.
It hurts knowing the condition of this kids we left in Haiti.
It hurts knowing the condition of the kids who live down the street.
It hurts when criticized for doing what you think God has called you to do.
It hurts knowing that I haven’t always lived this life pleasing to God and those consequences will never go away.
It hurts knowing that I came home wanting to love and cherish my kids because I saw what others experience daily, yet I found myself frustrated and quick tempered.
It hurts because I want to be the woman God has called me to be yet I struggle daily with my anger, selfishness, and lack of trust. Pauls words describe it perfectly, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15.
Today, my life hurts.
Today, I am shutting the blinds and about to have a bawling session with my Father because “we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin.” Heb. 4:15.