And That Is When All the Air Left The Room

I was in a typical women’s ministry meeting last night at church. You know, you go and talk about the planned events . . . the upcoming news. Blah . . blah . . blah. It wasn’t that it wasn’t good stuff, that I didn’t need to be paying attention – that what she was saying wasn’t important. But subconsciously or maybe even consciously at this point – I had decided to disengage from life.

After heartbreak and revelation a few weeks back – you know the kid story – I decided I liked the wall better. I mean really, who willingly subjects themselves to that kind of hurt. Let’s play it safe, Kasey. Get a plan – serve here and there. Make my appearances. I even went to so far as downloading application papers to teach in a low-income neighborhood. Now, don’t get me wrong – that is a GREAT thing to do. Just not the BEST thing for me to do. Why? God has told me what I am to do and I don’t like it.

My friend, Paula, just commented on the bible study we are doing and she said “Don’t like this…don’t like this…don’ . Ok, I like it.” The cheerleaders at Drew’s basketball games have a cheer they do when the other team is shooting a free throw, “You. Can’t. Make. It. Can’t MAKE IT” and it is catchy and sticks in your head. Except for me, I have been going around singing. “I. Don’t. Like. It. DON’T LIKE IT.”

So my point is, I have been doing some major wrestling. MAJOR. I don’t know if you have ever felt this way but for me, I deeply want to love the Lord and reflect Him with my life. BUT, in order for me to do and do it well – I have to engage but engaging scares me. Why? In the end. It can hurt me and hurt others. I mean just the other day, I was reading a blog about how she wanted everyone to know that the nasty comments and emails she was getting from her blog really hurt her. I thought, “see, that is why you don’t want to go THERE.” To put yourself out there – it hurts. Sometimes, for fear I am going to say the wrong thing, blow up , mouth off – and then they will know who I really am so I hide and pretend. I don’t want to let out the secret – (except – oops I just did) I am not a super spiritual woman who loves the Lord. I am a hot-tempered, crazy women who longs to be something she is not. Stasi Eldrdage in her book Captivating say this “I feel like I am too much and not enough all at the same time.” That is me.

This is what happens when I hid out though – I think myself into a heap of trouble. I was reading this book last week and she said this “I argue myself all the way to one end of the question and back again several times a day.” THAT IS ME. It is my curse. It keeps me awake at night. It can make me crazy.

Maybe I have an unhealthy obsession with getting “it” right that I make myself crazy and miss the point altogether? I am such a Martha that possibly Jesus is saying “Kasey, Kasey, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one is needed.” (Now, I am not in any way saying that we don’t strive to live a holy life – that is not the point of this post at all! I am not really sure what the point is but I do know that that isn’t it. Smile with me here please.)

There has been much thought and debate going back and forth in my head – argued one way and back again about the spiritual warfare aspect of our christian walk. But I do know this – God wants me doing one thing and I am resisting and I got called on the carpet at our women’s ministry meeting last night. Bless her heart, she didn’t even know what she was doing.

Long story, even longer – our women’s ministry director had just returned from a trip and felt that God had plainly spoken to her about what she was doing with the “talents” in our church and how she needed to use what God had given her (my ugly paraphrase of her beautiful description of what God was revealing to her) and right there in front of God and everyone she said my name. My name. That my friends, is when all the air left the room. I must have looked mortified, scared, and shocked. Why? Because I had decided on my own terms how I was going to serve God – knowing good and well He wanted something different but that was asking way to me of ME – you know the real, crazy ME, not the one who from a distance looked like she had it all together. Revealing that person, the real one, was out of the question in my mind. So after God’s gentlemanly efforts with me were discarded – He turned it up a notch. He went about it a different way, He used someone else to get my attention. Yes, it worked. I am listening – scared silly in fact.

I feel like Paul – why do I do what I don’t want to do? I think because the cost is great and I might just have to give a little more of me than I was willing to give. This blog part is easy. It is easy for me to write out on a computer screen what I think and feel – I can’t see you and if you don’t like it – you can stop reading. What about real life? That is harder. I would be much happier doing blog bible studies and blog accounts of my life and thoughts – it is safe. Yes, you can send me nasty emails but I can delete.

Here in the day-to-day – I have look them straight in the eye and say, “here I am – here is what I think, like, don’t like, believe this is what God is saying.”

Now, do you still love me still?

That is just too dang hard.

Yet, when has He ever let me off the hook with easy?


7 thoughts on “And That Is When All the Air Left The Room

  1. How appropriate this is for me today. I have been fighting grumpy. Not very effectively I might add. It seems the Lord is speaking. Closer. Closer. (I love that song – and it invites Him to do just that). Yet, I know what I am like upclose and personal. I get annoyed, grumpy, irritated and mouthy and God forgive me but it is usually with those closest to my heart. He is pursing REAL. Real – true; not merely ostensible, nominal, or apparent: the real reason for an act. The real reason for how I act most of the time truthfully is called sin. I can feel the heat rising – just so He can scrape off the impurities in my heart. Thank you friend for your honesty!! How I can relate!!

    1. I love how Beth Moore says “God can change our mood!” How often I have to ask, Lord, just change my grumpy to happy. I need a mood-change! And yes, how often we have to deal with the sin in our life. Constant awareness and thankfulness for constant forgiveness.

  2. Dearest Kasey…I love you for who you are and for being “real.” You will reach more women through honesty and transparency, than being the “perfect pastor’s” wife…You inspire us…God just reminds us daily of how much we need Him to “do life” …Keep the Faith! I look forward to your future blogs, regardless of spelling or grammer…it’s what comes from the heart that matters! Thank you,lady…Part of following Christ is going where we may not want to go or doing and learning things we may not want to do or know how to do…He is with us and He will guide us, if we are open to His leading…You know that…It’s human nature to resist, but I know you will get where you need to be! Bless you!

    1. I almost stopped reading this post. Not because of any reason you might think either. All my life I have HATED reading and putting those words in capital letters does not justice for how badly I HATED reading. I don’t know why, but I did. I would read when I had to, and only then. Well, that poses a small problem when it comes to reading God’s Word. I am happy to report that I actually enjoy reading lately. BUT here is my issue – I love it when something feels nice and cozy and then WHAM – it hits you. Conviction. It’s like you are lured into a room you get settled and everyone fills in around you. The speaker is engaging and making you feel good about who you are, then it comes. You are called out and you can’t very well get up and leave the room NOW. Everyone would wonder what my problem is. Have you ever sat in church and wondered why half way through the service “that” couple gathers their stuff and walks out? This is that situation. This is how I have been feeling. I can’t stop the reading. I know He is speaking to me. Everything I read – He is pursuing me. Why am I so scared. You hit it, Kasey, I don’t want the hurt. I desperately want to grow and be a child of God, my Savior…who died a brutal death for ME. Let’s talk about suffering – He did it for me. I just want to grow without the hurt though. It’s almost like I have Christian Anxiety. I want what He wants for me, I am scared to death though. I am a person that when I panic – I freeze – I can’t move – debilitating. That is where I am – I commit and then I freak and freeze. I can’t move. I can’t go 110% for the Lord, so I retreat and go back to being lukewarm and scared to death.
      Thanks for the post, Kasey. I love you and dang it – I am caught again!

      1. I love you sister! How I miss you???!!!! Keep pressing in – He has great things to show you and it isn’t all hurtful. It’s HIs law of reverse – in the hurt, His Joy! You go low to go high with Him.
        In the end, we will surely know that He was worth it all!!! Keep digging and keep reading!

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