I was in a typical women’s ministry meeting last night at church. You know, you go and talk about the planned events . . . the upcoming news. Blah . . blah . . blah. It wasn’t that it wasn’t good stuff, that I didn’t need to be paying attention – that what she was saying wasn’t important. But subconsciously or maybe even consciously at this point – I had decided to disengage from life.
After heartbreak and revelation a few weeks back – you know the kid story – I decided I liked the wall better. I mean really, who willingly subjects themselves to that kind of hurt. Let’s play it safe, Kasey. Get a plan – serve here and there. Make my appearances. I even went to so far as downloading application papers to teach in a low-income neighborhood. Now, don’t get me wrong – that is a GREAT thing to do. Just not the BEST thing for me to do. Why? God has told me what I am to do and I don’t like it.
My friend, Paula, just commented on the bible study we are doing and she said “Don’t like this…don’t like this…don’t.like.this. . Ok, I like it.” The cheerleaders at Drew’s basketball games have a cheer they do when the other team is shooting a free throw, “You. Can’t. Make. It. Can’t MAKE IT” and it is catchy and sticks in your head. Except for me, I have been going around singing. “I. Don’t. Like. It. DON’T LIKE IT.”
So my point is, I have been doing some major wrestling. MAJOR. I don’t know if you have ever felt this way but for me, I deeply want to love the Lord and reflect Him with my life. BUT, in order for me to do and do it well – I have to engage but engaging scares me. Why? In the end. It can hurt me and hurt others. I mean just the other day, I was reading a blog about how she wanted everyone to know that the nasty comments and emails she was getting from her blog really hurt her. I thought, “see, that is why you don’t want to go THERE.” To put yourself out there – it hurts. Sometimes, for fear I am going to say the wrong thing, blow up , mouth off – and then they will know who I really am so I hide and pretend. I don’t want to let out the secret – (except – oops I just did) I am not a super spiritual woman who loves the Lord. I am a hot-tempered, crazy women who longs to be something she is not. Stasi Eldrdage in her book Captivating say this “I feel like I am too much and not enough all at the same time.” That is me.
This is what happens when I hid out though – I think myself into a heap of trouble. I was reading this book last week and she said this “I argue myself all the way to one end of the question and back again several times a day.” THAT IS ME. It is my curse. It keeps me awake at night. It can make me crazy.
Maybe I have an unhealthy obsession with getting “it” right that I make myself crazy and miss the point altogether? I am such a Martha that possibly Jesus is saying “Kasey, Kasey, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one is needed.” (Now, I am not in any way saying that we don’t strive to live a holy life – that is not the point of this post at all! I am not really sure what the point is but I do know that that isn’t it. Smile with me here please.)
There has been much thought and debate going back and forth in my head – argued one way and back again about the spiritual warfare aspect of our christian walk. But I do know this – God wants me doing one thing and I am resisting and I got called on the carpet at our women’s ministry meeting last night. Bless her heart, she didn’t even know what she was doing.
Long story, even longer – our women’s ministry director had just returned from a trip and felt that God had plainly spoken to her about what she was doing with the “talents” in our church and how she needed to use what God had given her (my ugly paraphrase of her beautiful description of what God was revealing to her) and right there in front of God and everyone she said my name. My name. That my friends, is when all the air left the room. I must have looked mortified, scared, and shocked. Why? Because I had decided on my own terms how I was going to serve God – knowing good and well He wanted something different but that was asking way to me of ME – you know the real, crazy ME, not the one who from a distance looked like she had it all together. Revealing that person, the real one, was out of the question in my mind. So after God’s gentlemanly efforts with me were discarded – He turned it up a notch. He went about it a different way, He used someone else to get my attention. Yes, it worked. I am listening – scared silly in fact.
I feel like Paul – why do I do what I don’t want to do? I think because the cost is great and I might just have to give a little more of me than I was willing to give. This blog part is easy. It is easy for me to write out on a computer screen what I think and feel – I can’t see you and if you don’t like it – you can stop reading. What about real life? That is harder. I would be much happier doing blog bible studies and blog accounts of my life and thoughts – it is safe. Yes, you can send me nasty emails but I can delete.
Here in the day-to-day – I have look them straight in the eye and say, “here I am – here is what I think, like, don’t like, believe this is what God is saying.”
Now, do you still love me still?
That is just too dang hard.
Yet, when has He ever let me off the hook with easy?