A Start

I have been wrestling back and forth with God over putting “His story” that He has written through our lives down on paper. If you have read this blog for any length of time, you will see that writing is not my speciality.(obviously, neither is spelling? I read this quickly through after posting and realized I can’t spell either.  Where, oh Where is my spellcheck? Where, oh where, oh where, oh where is my spellcheck. – that is written to the tune of Larry Boy’s “Where is my hairbrush.”)

There are many who are good with words and frankly, that makes me jealous! I recommend them and their blogs often on here. If nothing else, this blog can point you to the “good ones.” I wish I could say things the way some can. I read blog after blog and think, she said that so much better than I ever could. Why try? But my head is full and this blog is a good outlet for those whirling thoughts. But a blog is safe. I mean, who really cares about a blog? They are everywhere. Some blogs are great, some not so great. ( I am sure this argument could be made about a book too but that wouldn’t really help my argument now would it??) Plus, most who read this I don’t really ever see so it doesn’t really matter.

Or does it? This should be a totally new post on why we do things – applause of God or man?

I digress. See, I can’t even match my paragraph to my main sentence.

The point: I started. I wrote my first page. I just opened up a new page and started writing.

Here it is. Page one.

It was a cold, Colorado night and I was off to freeze through yet another football game. This was a scrimmage that I dreaded. My son was the quarterback for a new team and most of the boys on his team had never played before. When you have first-time football players defending your boy against other more experienced players, it is usually not a good thing. For those of you who don’t spend half of your life at football practice, I was in for a night of cringing and praying that he would just keep getting up. I looked for the boy on the bottom and prayed that he was moving. Who said football was for the faint at heart? As the game moved along, I watched in slow motion as a huge boy came around from the back and horse-collared (for those of you who don’t know what that is, ask a football fan and yes, it is illegal) my son, Drew.He never saw it coming. His body dropped to the ground and the boy who did it jumped up in celebration. He had sacked the quarterback. I only had eyes on on Drew, praying that  my son would just get up. He did but very slowly. He motioned to me that he was fine and continued to play. As the game continued, he was hit over and over again. Play after play, he went to the ground. I kept thinking to myself that someone needed to stop this madness but I didn’t say a word. There is a lesson here for parents – You are the parent and you are allowed to put a stop to that which you think is a danger to your child. Just calmly say to the coach, “My son is finished playing now and I would like you to pull him out and let him rest. It is your right as a parent.

I just watched and waited. Dread filled my heart, Drew wasn’t looking right. He bent down to take the snap, stood straight up and walked off the field and fell to the ground. By the time I ran across the field to him, he was in and out of consciousness and couldn’t feel his right side. A friend told me that I kept saying “You can’t do this to me again. You can’t do this to me again.” Over and over. You see, that wasn’t the first time I watched my baby go in and out of consciousness.

In August of 2001 on a bright Sunday afternoon after a day filled with church and hanging out with friends, our lives changed forever. Our family had just driven home  from Sunday lunch. My husband, Brad had to return to the church  and he let the boys and me out of the car. and I took the boys to the house. Only, our youngest didn’t follow; he ran back to be with his daddy and the ran behind the car. The car hit him. Chaos erupted, our neighbors came running out, ambulances were called, family arrived at the accident. Brad rode in the ambulance with Jake. Jake was screaming for his daddy, moving in and out of consciousness. After we all arrived at the hospital, the family was taken to a room to wait for the doctors. The doctors walked in and sat down before us. The news was not good – I could read it on their faces. I kept thinking, just let him be okay, let him be okay. He was okay, just not in the way I expected. You see, that day, August 26, 2001, Jacob “Jake” Gunner Ewing met his heavenly Father face to face. My uncle who performed his funeral, said it best, “Jake was running to meet his earthly Father and was welcomed by the arms of his Heavenly Father.”

Knowing this, you can imagine the feeling of dread that was overwhelming me as I looked over my oldest son on that football field. You know that feeling when your heart goes into your stomach. I prayed and told God “NO”. This couldn’t happen again.

As we rode to the hospital in the ambulance, they pricked Drew with a needle numerous times up and down his legs and arms and he was not responding at all to the needles.  I just kept telling the Lord, “I can’t do this again. I can’t Lord. Please don’t make me. Just please let him be ok.”

I don’t know if you do this but as I rode  in that ambulance, my mind I was going places it shouldn’t go. I debated in my head what I could and could not handle at that moment. I thought that if he was paralyzed we could handle that. If he was brain damaged we could handle that as well.  If God would just let him live I would do anything.This is a dangerous place to be – bargaining with God. But in the fear and terror of the moment, I laid my bargaining chips at His feet.

Drew was airlifted to Children’s Hospital in Denver, CO after initial tests in Colorado Springs. The initial scans resulted in good news,  it was most likely a concussion. We were waiting for more test results but the initial scare had been lowered to mild panic and I was starting to breathe regularly for the first time in hours. My heart was beginning to slow down and I was pondering much. I sat by his bed and tried to come to grips with what had just happened. There is nothing like a uncomfortable chair, a dark hospital room, and continuous monitors beeping to get one to try to process the unfolding events. That night I knew that God gives us the grace we need, when we need it. He doesn’t supply grace for what we fear might happen — He gives it to us when it does happen. I have experienced my greatest fear when Jake died and experienced the grace I needed through his death. I have also watched the unfolding plan of God when my fears did not come true and I am very thankful. This has taught me to be careful with fear (while valid), and not be overwhelmed. Why? God’s grace comes when we need it, not a second too early and not a millisecond too late.

He can be trusted. His ways are not our ways, but His ways are the RIGHT way, even in the midst of death. They are the right ways  when we are experiencing our greatest fears. I was scared, but I was also calm knowing that in all things His plan will prevail. God’s Will will be done. There is great comfort in that. One of my favorite people in the whole world titled a blog post “It Is Well With My Soul, but I Am Not Okay” after the death of her daddy from cancer. That says it all. That trust. We can hurt so badly  that we think our hearts will literally break wide open yet our soul can be well.

These two events presented quite a problem for me. What is it that makes one accident end in the death of my child and in the other accident, my boy walks out of the hospital with one sore body but otherwise healthy? Why? The million dollar question. We have all asked why. Book after book has been written trying help us understand the suffering.

I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. One day I walked out of the hospital heartbroken over my baby boy and one day I walked out of the hospital with my arms wrapped around my big, baby boy (Yes, he is taller than me.) grateful that he was alive and walking. Why?

Job went through tremendous trials and difficulties. He said to God in  Job 6:24 “Teach me, and I will be silent; make me understand how I have gone astray.” Job just wanted to understand. H wanted God to show him what he had done to deserve all of his problems. I felt the same way Job had felt. “What have I done?” Don’t we all want that same thing? We want an explanation from God.

Job daringly asked God “Why?” Let’s try to understand why Job tasked such a daring question of God.

It is a start.

(Yes, this is a blog that has not been edited by my sweet friend. She will die – I am sure a few sentences up there are not complete and maybe a run on or two. Maybe I should go to grammar class with my seventh grader. ** Idea, I will let him practice his grammar and edit my posts. How’s that for killing two birds with one stone.)

What is God pulling you to do that you are avoiding? Why don’t today you start on the first page of whatever God is asking you to do.

8 thoughts on “A Start

  1. I am going to pray for God to put the remainder of the chapters on your heart. You are an amazing writer and speaker! Love you and miss you! Tiff

  2. My heart broke reading this. Although I have walked through thinking I was going to lose a child twice in recent years, I have never walked through the pain of actually losing one. I do understand TBI and all that can mean in a family. I am glad your football player is OK. God bless you and yours. I am praying for you.

    1. I am sorry that you have ever had to venture down that road. It is a scary, long road. But, He is faithful to us. Even when the worst happens and then when it doesn’t. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  3. wow. what a story! i’m so honored and blessed to be able to read it.

    thank you for sharing. so much pain, grief, but joy in seeing you see God’s hand in your life.

    thank you so much for commenting yesterday and for sharing your link.

  4. I’ve never read this one!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!! So, how’s that book coming? I’ll be your body guard at the book signings! You know, I can put most people into a headlock!!! So, do I get the job?

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